Living with Regret: An Inevitable Reality

Neuropotential Clinics • Nov 09, 2018

REGRETS AND SELF-CONCEPT

The saying that life is a roller coaster ride is far from just a good analogy. In life, there are many highs and lows and usually, the lows are what we look back on. Whether it was a missed job opportunity, words you wish you could take back, or the “one that got away”, we always seem to have regrets.

Since regret is considered a universal emotion, researchers have taken a keen interest in understanding it. A recent study suggests that regret may be associated with an individual’s self-concept. Self-concept is defined as the individual’s belief about himself or herself, including the person’s attributes and who and what the self is (Baumeister, 1999). To grasp what your self-concept is, you may ask “do I have a clear understanding of who I am?” “Am I living up to the person I want to be?” and “am I living my life in a way where my responsibilities are being fulfilled?”

According to psychologist Edward Higgins, self-concept is composed of actual, ideal, and ought selves.

  • Actual Self: Representation of traits and qualities you believe you have.

  • Ideal Self: Representation of traits and qualities you would like to have.

  • Ought Self: Representation of traits and qualities you think you should have.

Based on the idea of self-concept, scientists hypothesized that long-lasting/detrimental regrets are likely caused by disparities between actual and ideal selves rather than actual and ought selves. In short, you are more likely to linger over things that could have been rather than what should have been. In addition, scientists suggested that your method of coping with regret affects the longevity of it. In specific, they believe that there is a more immediate response for coping efforts when you fail to live up to your “ought” self. However, failures catered to your “ideal” self are pushed aside and call for a less urgent response. Ultimately, these regrets have a more detrimental long-term effect in life.

RESEARCH STUDY

To test out this hypothesis, scientists conducted six studies. In the first study, participants were asked if they regretted failing to live up to the person they would like to be (ideal self) more than failing to live up to the person they should be (ought self) and vice-versa. As predicted, participants experienced more regret when they failed to live up to their ideal self.

In the second and third study, participants were asked to think about specific regrets that held significance in their lives. After recalling their experience, they were asked to determine whether those regrets were ought-based or ideal-based. As predicted, those significant regrets that they recalled were more ideal-based, indicating that the participants were likely to regret failing to live up to their ideal selves.

The fourth and fifth study focused more on the second part of the scientists’ hypothesis. They had predicted that people take immediate action to cope with ought-related regrets whereas ideal-related regrets were put on the back burner. Again, their predictions came true as participants felt that ideal-related regrets could be handled at a later time whereas ought-related regrets required immediate psychological/behavioural repair. A factor that may play into this is the constant pressure and desire to be accepted by society.

The sixth and last study aimed to find the connection between regrets that were resolved and unresolved. Scientists researched whether the resolved/unresolved regrets were related to the participant’s ought selves or their ideal selves. In line with the other studies, it was found that regrets identified as ideal-related did not evoke coping efforts which is why individuals with those regrets tend to believe they are still unresolved. On the other hand, social pressures made participants feel the need to handle their ought-related regrets which is why participants were likely to perceive their regrets as resolved.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR US

From this series of studies, we can conclude that living life without regret is next to impossible. Whether it has to do with your personal or professional life, it is natural to reflect and wonder what you could have or should have done differently if you were able to go back in time. What is important to take away from these studies are that not all regrets are the same. Based on the three categories of self-concept, regrets have differences in intensity and number. You can use this information to help reduce the weight of the regrets in your life. For example, if you are the type of person that prioritizes your responsibilities and obligations, then it would be best to think long and hard before making any decisions that could affect those around you. However, if you are defined more by your personal ideal, then you should make decisions that help you move closer to what you would like to have and/or who you would like to become. Remember, in order to minimize the intensity of your regrets, you have to first know who you are and what defines you.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Baumeister, R. F. (1999). The nature and structure of the self: An overview. In R. Baumeister (Ed.), The self in social psychology (pp. 1-20). Philadelphia, PA: Psychology Press (Taylor & Francis).

Davidai, S., & Gilovich, T. (2018). The ideal road not taken: The self-discrepancies involved in people’s most enduring regrets. Emotion, 18, 439-452.

By Rajneel Sharma 13 Mar, 2024
How does Neurofeedback Therapy help with ADHD?
How Can Neurofeedback Help Those with Learning Disabilities
By Neuropotential Clinics 30 Nov, 2022
Looking to see How Neurofeedback Can Help Those with Learning Disabilities? Neuropotential Clinics in Toronto has Assesements that will help detect this. Learn More
Can Neurofeedback Treat a Concussion
By Neuropotential Clinics 29 Nov, 2022
Can Neurofeedback Treat a Concussion? See how we can help!
Myths about Neurofeedback
By Neuropotential Clinics 31 Oct, 2022
Myths About Neurofeedback, Debunked. Contact Neuropotenial Clinics in Toronto for more information about neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback Clinic Toronto
By Neuropotential Clinics 17 Jun, 2022
Looking for a Neurofeedback Clinic Toronto? We have you covered! Learn about all our Intelligence testing services today!
Remote Neurofeedback Therapy
By Neuropotential Clinics 19 May, 2022
With remote neurofeedback therapy, clients can train with clinical-grade neurofeedback therapy equipment from the comfort of their own homes.
Waking up tired | Neurofeedback session
By Neuropotential Clinics 25 Apr, 2022
You’ve booked your first neurofeedback training session and are wondering what you can do to prepare. Or perhaps you’ve had several training sessions already and are wondering what you can do to achieve optimal results.
Stressed out lady
By Neuropotential Clinics 19 Apr, 2022
Covid 19 and the effects it has caused. See how Neuropotential Clinics in Toronto can help you with all the stress caused by Covid-19.
Neurofeedback Session
19 Oct, 2021
If you or your child struggle with focus, attention, sleep or emotional regulation, Neurofeedback could help. Neurofeedback is a safe and non-invasive way to help train the brain to become more relaxed, calm, alert and focused.
Women Laying in bed reading
22 Sep, 2021
Book Recommendation: The Body Keeps the Score and Neurofeedback Training. Learn more at Neuropotential Clinics in Toronto.
More Posts
Share by: